(no subject)

Well there's a lot going on but one thing matters most. I've been engaging in a long string of social miscues and hurting, in sequence, pretty much everyone around me.

The incident today was that I was heading to a Subway Station through a mall and saw a friend working at a store. I wanted to say hello. I saw that she was busy making a sale so I waited and looked around. Somebody asked me for help and I said I was just looking, my standard saying for when I doubt I will buy anything. The shopfront there isn't very big so I didn't have a ton of looking around to do, so I was on my way out and saw that a second salesperson had come in and was talking to the client, so I thought I would say hi and bye to her while she seemed semi-idle; this was a really stupid idea because I should clearly have seen that she hadn't walked away from the discussion so she must have been engaged in it. My words were "Have a nice day, [name]. I'll just go now and not bother you further."

I thought it just an awkward miscue at the time and went on my way to a cemetery meetup that turned out to be scheduled one hour later than I thought it was. Maybe if I read the damn schedule better I wouldn't have been in such a hurry, but really I should have just walked past the store.

She has made it clear that they all found me creepy, some asked her if she needed protection, and I had no right to interrupt her in the middle of a sale and jeopardize her job. Everything she says must be true.

I don't like myself much anymore. This isn't the only time of late that I've found a way to hurt people that I care about, without even thinking. How the hell did I nearly cost someone her job and do I even think anymore?

The only thing I can think to do is go get myself professional help. I don't act odd out of enjoyment and I don't want to keep being like this anymore. I'm going to finish up my present work looking after someone's cats while they're away and once that's done go get help. I'm not going to wait for my family doctor's appointment because the 28th of November is way too long away.

I'm really sorry to everyone for how I've been. Please don't defend any of my stupid actions and please don't punish me further, I'm already shaking and have canceled going out tonight because I don't want to do another stupid thing. I've canceled going out at any point in the near future because aside from not wanting to alienate more friends I can't be happy until I know I'm doing something about myself. If you want to say anything to me please direct me toward where I can get help. If you're the person that I just wronged then you have the right to say whatever you want.

I made this public so that you can hold me to my words, that I will get help ASAP. Don't feel sorry for me, or don't express it where I can see.